lucretia, alternative menstruator

In honor of Earth Week, the story of one girl who stared the menstrual industrial complex straight in the face...and blinked. Keeper.com (The Leader and Most Trusted & Recognized Name In the Menstrual Cup Industry) explains: Simple to use, both The Moon Cup and The Keeper are innovative feminine hygiene products that are worn internally, freeing women from dependency on cumbersome, uncomfortable, expensive, paper-based products. Economical, efficient, comfortable, and environment-friendly, reusable menstrual cups are attractive alternatives to other feminine hygiene products. Lucretia, a good friend for years, was a hardcore Keeper user until an incident in a yoga class made her reconsider. Hysterization of women's bodies? More like hysterical. Tell me about yoga today. Well, it was my first class in three weeks so I was a little nervous. My hamstrings were tight. And then my keeper turned upside down halfway through class. Woah. So that was hot. How does that happen? I have no idea! It's only supposed to happen if you have an orgasm or something dramatic happens in there, to make it shift. Were you being overdramatic about your love of yoga? What were you doing when it flipped? Well, I was in downward dog split, which is when your hands and one leg are on the ground and the other leg is in the air, and I felt it go upside down and then it felt like my water broke. Did you try to squeeze and stop it mid turn? Like, I guess, the Titanic? Yep, except it was warmer than in Titanic. Have you been slacking on your kegels? Did you ever see that Family Guy where Stewie says to the prostitute, "so is there any tread left on the tires, or would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway at this point?" Anyway, that is not to suggest that I did anything to bring this upon myself. It was very traumatic and I had to jump over all these people and get up and run out and it made a LOUD NOISE. Well so it flipped over and then...it spilled? Yep Are we talking a lot of blood? Yes!! When was the last time you had emptied your keeper? Probably about 12 hours previous. Which is fine? I’d say that’s like a shot and a half. I’m bad with volumes. I had to book it to the bathroom to stanch the flow. Pun intended. It was terrible. My pants are ruined and I'm going to have to find a new yoga studio. When you ran to the bathroom did the other people in the yoga class notice? I was in the back of the yoga studio, so I had to jump over people to get to the bathroom you have to go out of the one studio and down a hall past the other studios and past the reception, and it making noise the whole time. Were you Hansel and Gretel'ing the whole way? Wait, what was making noise? The spilling keeper was making noise! Like what kind of noise? Umm like a queef plus dysentery, if you catch my drift. So you ruined the Zen. Oh definitely. What did you do once you got to the bathroom? Well so I’m in the yoga bathroom and I am checking things out. It’s a disaster. I was going to wait for Lindsay to be done because she was still in the class. But then I realized my pants and clothes and everything were in my bag in the studio. So I had to go back in and get the bag while they were in shavasana which is the like total silence relaxation pose, so it was really obvious and awkward. And you're REALLY not supposed to go in during it. People definitely noticed something and those people who know I just back from Nicaragua probably thought I had some crazy intestinal parasite So then you change and leave? Yeah, I text Lindsay to call me after class so I can explain Wait is this bad bad Lindsay Brown? I guess? Still single? How is that related? When you got home, did you clean your keeper and put it back in? Fuck no. I'm done with that shit. It’s all bleached tampons for me from now on. Unrecycled. Why were you using the keeper in the first place? How long had you been using it? Environmental concerns, plus it made my period shorter and lessened my cramps. I’d been using it around a year. And everything had gone swimmingly? Yes, especially swimming! You would have recommended it to other people? A small leak here or there but nothing major. Yeah I was a complete evangelist about it And now would you discourage? I’d discourage physically active people from it, or at least suggest they have backup. I mean, if you're sitting on your ass all day it doesn't matter. Does yoga count as physical activity? Don’t be a jackass. But so isn't the environment still around and wouldn't it still shorten your period? Yeah but it's totally inconvenient. I have to be honest and say I care less about the environment than about bleeding all over myself in a public place Maybe you should just keep using the keeper for everyday stuff and then before physical activity change in a reusable, washable cloth pad. Period advice from a man. As if. In college we used to run an annual workshop for Earth Week called Alternative Menstruation. Matt Evinger and I sewed a reusable cloth pads. Oh fuck you guys, that’s gross. I don't support that. You don't have the right to tell women how to deal with their bodies Alright alright. Are we done? Did I get it all? Yes, you got it all. Unlike the keeper.